Joy and pain..

Life is like that isn’t it? You have joy and pain, then sometimes sunshine and rain.

On June 12th my husband and I found out we were expecting our 3rd child. It was a complete shock and one that I have to admit I was not too happy about.

Then two weeks later in my doctors office I saw a miracle. That tiny little bean on the screen with a heart beating and I knew I was done for. The questions that had been circling in my head, “Could I handle having another child,” vanished and I knew that my love would expand just like my belly.

We decided to wait until after my next appointment to tell our family and friends. I would have rather shouted it from the roof tops but figured I could hold off for a few more weeks.

Unfortunately, that joyous occasion never arrived. Two days before my scheduled appointment I was asked to come in because of some strange symptoms I was experiencing. Another ultrasound revealed that my sweet little bean’s heart had stopped.
In utter horror I made the decision to wait for nature to take its course in the comfort of my home; where I could grieve over a small, tiny bean that in 11 short weeks had turned my life upside down.

It took just three days for my life to be turned upside down again. What I thought would be a painful, both physically and emotionally, experience turned into so much more. My husband, who is a trained fire-fighter and also held a paramedic certification for many years, was forced to call for an ambulance. My body could not stop bleeding and I began to hemorrhage. The quick lose of blood caused me to be faint and eventually I lost consciousness twice before getting back to bed.

When the ambulance arrived it seemed like I was in a whirl-wind. Blood pressure was 65 over virtually nothing. My pulse faint. I was rushed to the emergency room and immediately surrounded by more doctors, nurses and interns than I have ever seen.

In what seemed like hours, but wasn’t, I had an ultrasound to look at the bleeding and my wonderful doctor strolled in to take charge. Once she arrived it took but 15 minutes to get me prepped and headed to the operating room.

I awoke in a whole new world. The physical pain was gone and my head didn’t feel as if it was floating 10 feet above my body.

In order to raise my blood pressure, and due to the amount I lost, I was given a blood transfusion. It took 8 more hours in the hospital before I was released and allowed to go home. I fell into bed exhausted and was instantly overtaken by sleep.

When I woke up I was swollen and empty.

And then the real bombshell hit me. The awareness that in addition to losing a baby, I had been close to losing my life. When I looked at my 2 beautiful living children I broke into tears. Tears that were mixed with grief and happiness. With those tears a new pain developed. An ache in my chest that is a constant memory of what I lost and came close to losing.

Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderfully supportive family and even more supportive friends. For a full week after my ordeal my family was provided meals and I was provided with arms to hug me, shoulders to cry on, and ears to listen.

Sadly, it took this tragedy in my life for me to realize how glorious God has been to me. I fully expect never to understand the WHY to this time in my life but I will also never question the love God has for me. I have been heard several times telling people that it was on that day that I truly felt I was in God’s hands and they were comforting, soft, and warm.

Physically I am happy to report that I am well but I am not 100%. I still battle with the ache in my heart that seems to strike me at odd and sometimes inopportune times. To be honest, I will gladly live with that ache for the rest of my life. It will enable me to never forget the lessons I learned and the sweet baby that was perhaps just too wonderful to come to earth just yet.

Who would have thought that a couple of days before I saw the pictures of our living “bean” I would have read this inside a Chinese fortune cookie:

“A small stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share.”

Nothing could have been closer to the truth.

My only pregnant picture at 10wks.

Read all the posts through my journey HERE.

Comments

  1. Continuing to pray for you. Thanks for sharing your joy and pain. Your little one will never be forgotten.

  2. alienanessa says:

    Wow, this moved me to tears, Tina. Thank you so much for sharing this. Bless you with thoughts and prayers =)

  3. Anonymous says:

    Tina … God Bless you for sharing. I have been worried about you, especially not knowing what had happened. I DO know what you are going through … I've been down that road myself – 4 times! Each one was tough to get over, all of them ended with a surgery but nothing as serious as what you went through …

    You will remember this for the rest of your life … for some unknown reason they kind of stick with you in the back of your mind and comes out when you least expect it. You have a strong faith and a loving family to help you recover. Let me know if there is anything I can ever do.
    All my love, Bonni

  4. Anonymous says:

    Oh Tina your strength amazes me. I was hoping things were ok and am glad you were strong enough to share this.

    I'm glad you have your 2 little guys that are 2 of the most adorable kids I've ever seen! Just seeing thier faces make me smile.

    I can't say I've ever been through anything like this but there was a point in my life that I wanted a child and in some ways would still like to have one and would give anything to experience those feelings that you've been blessed to have.

    Know that you do have another child that will be waiting for you in Heaven!

    Kaye ^,, ^

  5. Erick and Libbey Chuy says:

    Tina — Thank you for uplifting me with your story and your loss. I am so sorry for what you had to go through, horrible. I too recently had a miscarraige and it's aweful, but it was nothing compared to your experiences. Thank you for helping me remember . . . best of luck.

  6. Bewitchin' Kitchen says:

    I am so sorry to hear.

    On July 21 I gave birth to a stillborn. I was 27 weeks pregnant and Christian Mattias died about about 22-23 weeks.

    I understand that turmoil you are going through, as I have grieving as well.

    Take Care.
    Randa

  7. ConnieFoggles says:

    I am so sorry. Having a miscarriage is bad enough but going through what you did makes it even worse (if possible). Sending my prayers and positive thoughts your way.

  8. Carissa(GoodnCrazy) says:

    Oh sweetie. I didn't know. How lame am I?

    LAME. That's what.

    God bless. I'll send prayers. late prayers.
    So so sorry.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are a very strong woman. Thank you for being brave enough to post this.
    Angelia´s last blog post ..Post-It Note Tuesday!

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