What Not to Say..

photo credit: Ciudadano Poeta

photo credit: Ciudadano Poeta via flickr

Alright people.. here is the deal.

It has been almost 2 months since I lost a baby. I am in a funk. I can diagnose myself and say that I am, in fact, in a depression. One that I am not coming out of easily. As I mentioned before, I can fake it pretty well when I need to, but ya know what?

There are times when I CAN’T fake it.

And because I love you all, I’m going to list out a few things NOT to say to me, or any other woman going through this, when we are at our most vulnerable state…

  • “Losing someone can be hard. I know, I’m still not over my grandma dying.” – First off, I’m sorry your grandma died. Secondly, IT IS NOT THE SAME THING! Unless, your grandma slipped out of your hoo-ha or was cut from your uterus there is no comparison!
  • “The feelings will go away over time.” – Ummm, no they won’t. And frankly, I hope they never do. These feelings are due to the love I have for such a tiny, living baby, that I hope I will be able to meet one day in heaven. WHY would I want that to go away?!?
  • “You have 2 great kids..you don’t really need more.” – Did ya REALLY think this would make me feel better just HOURS after seeing my baby without a heartbeat? I know I have 2 great kids and I am blessed, but me wanting or NEEDING more isn’t really a decision you get to make.
  • “It was in God’s plan.” – Did God tell you that? If he did then ok, I’ll take your word for it; but if not then I have a hard time with that. There was a time when I thought that God had a reason for this but the more I thought about it the more I couldn’t see it. You see, just as God has a plan for each of us, so does Satan. And I have a hard time believing that God wanted one of His children to go through this. I will however admit that it is WITH God that I will live with what I experienced.
  • “Snap out of it!” – I don’t even know WHERE to begin with this one. I’m gonna give all the husbands out here who have a wife going through the aftermath of a miscarriage a little insight. THIS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY OK TO TELL HER! Let me clue you in..those little things called hormones get all out of whack when a woman becomes pregnant. You see it takes quite a while for them to go back to normal after losing the baby. It’s still undecided how long it takes for this to happen but it’s probably best NOT to risk it. Not only that but HELLO!! We are dealing with some major crap. It’s not like when your beloved football team loses, we don’t just get over it. We have lost a child. YOUR child to be exact. There are feelings of inadequacy, failure, and deep sadness that go along with it. So, instead of telling us to “snap out of it” try telling us that you love us, know that we are hurting, and that you want nothing more than to help us. Then go do the dishes.

I leave you with this.. Think, no REALLY THINK, before you say something to me that YOU view as helpful or comforting. Always remember that LESS IS MORE and TALK IS CHEAP. Simply telling me you love me or are praying for me is so much more appreciated, better yet, just give me a hug. But make sure your mouth is closed when you do it.


  1. No, you will not be fully over it…..the pain will always be there…..but it is not as sharp over time. Thanks for the great advice for people! 🙂 HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Oh, preach it. I am so happy that God sent a friend to send me over here……I have had 6+ losses over the past couple of years and totally know how it feels to have people say some UN-comforting words.

    Praying for you~

  3. Oh my gosh, thank you! This is so true and perfect. I lost my third child in August. While it is certainly easier today, I will never be over it or forget about it.

  4. Dawn JOY JOY JOY says:

    Hey this is some great advice! I’ve never had a miscarriage, but I did lose my 3rd son at 34 weeks almost 10 years ago. I can assure you, NO, you never “get over it”, but with confidence I can assure you that if you know Jesus as your personal Saviour, you WILL be reunited with your precious child in Heaven and you WILL know him/her. Your sweet child is in Heaven. The Bible tells us so. Enough said. I’m praying for you! If you want to chat some more, contact me at [email protected]. Abundant blessings of JOY!

    Josiah’s Mama

  5. HUGS!!!

    I almost cried at your comment and now I come here. Loss is not easy in any way. You don’t know me but if you need anything. 😉

  6. p.s. I grabbed your banner. I’ll be back.

  7. btw I love your honesty..


  1. […] go leave some words of encouragement. And remember, don’t use any of the phrases from my “What not to say” […]

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