As women I think we are all guilty of thinking of what could might have been.
What might have been if I would have buckled down and completed college.
What might have been if I would have married my high school sweetheart.
What might have been if I hadn’t been in that particular place and met my husband…
What might have been if this week I had a new baby in my arms.
If you have been following my blog for a while you know that last year my husband and I lost our 3rd child at 11 weeks in utero. It’s been a long and difficult road. The pain has moved into a dull ache now and most often I can ignore it. I can put it to the back of my brain and go about my normal life. The funny thing though, it’s always there. And it’s always waiting.
We all know now that that didn’t happen. My little bean never reached his/her birth day.
I actually survived the day quite well. I wouldn’t allow myself to face it. I kept my mind focused on other things, like getting back to work after being off for 2 months due to wrist surgery. I focused on making the whole week a celebration of my daughters birthday which was on the 24th.
But it was waiting.
And it has hit.
All those emotions, that at first I was using medication to quell, have showed themselves once again. Strangely, they feel stronger than before. I compare them to cooking with a jalapeno. As the pepper simmers the heat of it grows in intensity and right now my heart is on fire.
I’ve realized that I have reverted back to the “fake” Tina. The one that puts on a smile and laughs at appropriate times all the while counting down the minutes until I can slip away and again wallow in my self-pity. The Tina that keeps her husband at arms length because the feeling of betrayal that the loss didn’t hurt him as badly is always at the corner of my mind.
I know this is yet another speed bump in my healing process. One of those trials that I need to stand up to and believe that God will either deliver from, through or perhaps into if that is his will. I strongly believe that God is delivering me through this trial. I’m experiencing the pain but I know He is hurting with me.
I just wish this could have been an instance of Him delivering me from the fire.