Numb

Tonight I found out that a friend is pregnant.

I’m numb.

I can’t find that place inside of me that is happy for them. I can’t find that place that let’s me go up and say, “congratulations.” I can’t find that place that let’s me care.

I’m numb.

Last week my husband told me he was done having kids. He couldn’t bear the thought of almost losing me again and the fact that there is just as likely chance that it won’t happen again isn’t enough for him.

I’m numb.

I honestly had not reached a place yet to be able to decide whether or not I wanted to have any more children. When I sit down and think about it my mind doesn’t gravitate toward either side. I’m stuck in the middle.

When I sit and look at my kids, I thank God so very much that I am still here to watch them grow up. That they ARE alive and healthy. That with each day I have the opportunity to teach them something. Each day I can show them how much I love them even when they think I’m being mean and unfair. That I can experience their firsts right along with them from the first steps to the first loves and everything in between. That I get to love them EVERY DAY.

And then I start to think about not ever feeling that moment of excitement twinged with uncertainty when the pregnancy shows positive. Not ever experiencing the genuine awe that comes when you hear your baby’s heart beat for the first time. Not ever being able to watch in wonder as that little bean grows each time an ultrasound picture is taken. Not ever experiencing that sensation of a baby kicking and moving within. And never feeling that wash of emotions as you see your child take his/her first breath.

But when it comes to the end of my thinking and wondering what it is I want, I’m numb.

Perhaps, it’s easier be filled with the numbness than it is to be completely consumed by the ache and the hurt that typically comes along with thinking of August 4th and 7th, 2009. What ever the reason, being numb seems to be the only constant emotion that I experience, so for now I will grab hold of that and I will look forward to the day when God turns that numb person into a healed one.

Comments

  1. [Blocked by CFC] Lynn says:

    Hugs sweetie!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? says:

    I understand those feelings of heartache, we only have one and after our recent loss Casey said is he unsure if he wants to try again. I am also jealous of everyone who seems to be getting pregnant right now.
    .-= Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up?´s last blog ..Please Help Me Get There =-.

  3. I feel your pain. 4 years ago I had my tubes tied (worst decision I ever made, I think) because my youngest child was huge and the docs and nurses said that the chances of my next kids being even bigger were high and fatality for one or both of us were pretty much imminent. I did it. I hate that I did it. I feel like I let man pressure me into it, instead of leaving it in God’s hands. If I could go back and redo that decision to sign that paper, I would. When friends would tell me they were pregnant, it was so hard to not be envious.

    ***hugs*** I know how it is. Praying for you, girl.

  4. I’m so sorry you hurt. It is an awful experience to loose a child. It does get easier to handle but it never goes away completely – at least it hasn’t for me. I lost a baby between my two – 14 years ago. Will keep you in my prayers.
    .-= Ellen Christian´s last blog ..If you wax or shave, you can’t be without it! =-.

  5. Tina, I am sorry you are going thru this. This stage of grief sucks just like the rest of the stages. Praying for you.

  6. Elizabeth_N says:

    Xoxoxo I am with you. I get so uptight when I think about this. My mind isn’t done my body is screaming Let’s stop.
    .-= Elizabeth_N´s last blog ..Bowling over for a 7th Birthday! – Invites =-.

  7. Winter says:

    Tina,

    I’m so sorry and know all too well your feeling. I have 3 beautiful children and I love each one dearly as well as my husband. When I had our 3rd baby I was told I shouldn’t have anymore because I had so many problems with all 3. I agreed because my son was only 5 lbs and had difficulties.

    But I cried when my husband had his vasectomy and I still sometimes get wishy washy because we had planned on 4. When I was sick this spring and thought I was going to die I felt more at peace with the decision than I ever had.

    Hugs!

  8. Oh Tina,

    HUGS!

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