Tonight I found out that a friend is pregnant.
I can’t find that place inside of me that is happy for them. I can’t find that place that let’s me go up and say, “congratulations.” I can’t find that place that let’s me care.
Last week my husband told me he was done having kids. He couldn’t bear the thought of almost losing me again and the fact that there is just as likely chance that it won’t happen again isn’t enough for him.
I honestly had not reached a place yet to be able to decide whether or not I wanted to have any more children. When I sit down and think about it my mind doesn’t gravitate toward either side. I’m stuck in the middle.
When I sit and look at my kids, I thank God so very much that I am still here to watch them grow up. That they ARE alive and healthy. That with each day I have the opportunity to teach them something. Each day I can show them how much I love them even when they think I’m being mean and unfair. That I can experience their firsts right along with them from the first steps to the first loves and everything in between. That I get to love them EVERY DAY.
And then I start to think about not ever feeling that moment of excitement twinged with uncertainty when the pregnancy shows positive. Not ever experiencing the genuine awe that comes when you hear your baby’s heart beat for the first time. Not ever being able to watch in wonder as that little bean grows each time an ultrasound picture is taken. Not ever experiencing that sensation of a baby kicking and moving within. And never feeling that wash of emotions as you see your child take his/her first breath.
But when it comes to the end of my thinking and wondering what it is I want, I’m numb.
Perhaps, it’s easier be filled with the numbness than it is to be completely consumed by the ache and the hurt that typically comes along with thinking of August 4th and 7th, 2009. What ever the reason, being numb seems to be the only constant emotion that I experience, so for now I will grab hold of that and I will look forward to the day when God turns that numb person into a healed one.