I dread December.
Not because it often mean endless shopping. Not because it’s another time to get together with family and with it will come family drama. Not because I dislike the cold or the weather.
Although, I tell people those are the reasons.
It’s because this is the time of year when an impasse is met. It’s when my heart and mind finally come together and say, “Look. We can’t put on a happy face anymore. We need a break to be able to process, learn and heal.” It’s the time of year that I realize that I am tired. Exhausted in fact.
And of course it’s the time of year when I need that facade more than any other time.
When all should be rosy, cheerful, and happy, I would gladly hide in my room watching sappy Lifetime movies.
Instead I have to somehow dig extremely deep and find any ounce of will power I have to show my kids that this is in fact the most happiest time of the year. I have to scrape together the energy to shop for presents when I find no joy in it, plaster that smile on my face that doesn’t quite reach my eyes, and bake cookies, do crafts, pretend to have fun.
So when and if you see me sans children and I look exhausted you really don’t have to tell me. I know I am. But also know that when you ask me if everything is “ok” I’m going to answer yes. We both know it’s not the truth but I’m hoping if I say it out loud enough it will come true.
Above all else, bear with me. I’m doing the best I can.