This week I have been processing.
I’m processing my whirlwind weekend at BlogHer, which I will write more about later this week, and I’ve been processing the fact that it’s been 2 years since my miscarriage.
Strangely it seems like it’s been a lot longer than that.
Maybe it’s because I’ve come so far since those feelings of dispair, or maybe it’s because I try so hard not to let the pain that still lives inside consume me. Whatever the case may be, I am in a much better place now.
Several months ago my husband and I decided that we weren’t going to have any more children. This is still a hard decision for me, not because I know I want to have more children but more because of the “what could have been” factor.
I have a very close friend who lost her first child in utero. I admit that I never understood her view that with each child she has had since, it was her opportunity to perhaps get her first child back. That is, I never understood that thinking until now.
When you lose a child that is a part of you no matter how briefly, your heart longs to fill the void that is left. Rationally thinking, no it will never be filled but it doesn’t change your hearts desire to do so. Still, I know that it is the best decision for us and when my children ask when they are going to have a younger brother or sister I can tell them honestly that right now they need all my love.
Two years later am I happy? Yes. I am.
My marriage is stronger than ever, (just celebrated 10 years), my family is stronger and I am stronger. I can say that honestly now.
Now instead of dreading the sunrise, I meet it head on. Sure, I don’t meet the day with 3 kids, but I meet the day with 2 fabulous kids and I can always look forward to that.