A week of processing – 2 years

This week I have been processing.

I’m processing my whirlwind weekend at BlogHer, which I will write more about later this week, and I’ve been processing the fact that it’s been 2 years since my miscarriage.

Strangely it seems like it’s been a lot longer than that.

Maybe it’s because I’ve come so far since those feelings of dispair, or maybe it’s because I try so hard not to let the pain that still lives inside consume me. Whatever the case may be, I am in a much better place now.

Several months ago my husband and I decided that we weren’t going to have any more children. This is still a hard decision for me, not because I know I want to have more children but more because of the “what could have been” factor.

I have a very close friend who lost her first child in utero. I admit that I never understood her view that with each child she has had since, it was her opportunity to perhaps get her first child back. That is, I never understood that thinking until now.

When you lose a child that is a part of you no matter how briefly, your heart longs to fill the void that is left. Rationally thinking, no it will never be filled but it doesn’t change your hearts desire to do so. Still, I know that it is the best decision for us and when my children ask when they are going to have a younger brother or sister I can tell them honestly that right now they need all my love.

flickr: ahockley

On Sunday, the actual anniversary of our loss, I went and read all of the previous posts I had written about it. I couldn’t help but cry as I read not just the posts but the wonderfully supportive comments that were left on each of them. Some from awesome real life friends and many from readers who are really the ones that kept me going. Besides my giveaways those posts have the highest number of comments than anything else I’ve written, and I’m proud of that. It means that my experience impacted you, above all else I hope it encouraged you and let you know that you are not alone.

Two years later am I happy? Yes. I am.
My marriage is stronger than ever, (just celebrated 10 years), my family is stronger and I am stronger. I can say that honestly now.
Now instead of dreading the sunrise, I meet it head on. Sure, I don’t meet the day with 3 kids, but I meet the day with 2 fabulous kids and I can always look forward to that.


  1. I thought that was coming up soon. You and I “met” shortly after that. Rough times indeed. Our family had different issues and decided about two years ago that we were done with having children. Never too easy of a decision, but can make the questions that come both incredulous and a little easier at the same time.

  2. Also wanted to add that this seems to be the time of year for reflection. I think it is the season of newness, which means looking back. We’re a year into an epic, cross-country relocation and I still have the “what if’s” about having bought (and eventually sold) the house we bought six years ago now. If we had not done that would we have been smarter with our money and lived more affordably, meaning we also would not have felt so compelled to move?

    I’m 100% glad that we moved, except every once in a while where I am 100% terrified that I’ve burned all of the bridges that I ever had and life will never be the same. (Some days I feel both extremes….)

  3. Tina,
    I wish I had known that this weekend was so meaningful. I would’ve taken you aside for a toast. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes a toast to your loss would make it recognized. We could also have toasted for the beautiful life you DO have. I’ve never lost a child, so I can’t pretend to know what that kind of pain is like. I do know however, the finality of no more children. I always wanted 4. DH didn’t. However, I always thought when the time came I could convince him. I’m sad my DD will never have a sister. I never had 1 either, and it’s something I miss. In the end my OB said no more babies b/c she was worried about my scar tissue. I got my tubes tied. The finality as you say is hard. It hurts. Every pregnant woman still makes me jealous and I have 3 amazing children. I <3 YOU!

  4. Making peace with something is finding the positive in the negative, you have done just that. HUGS! 🙂

  5. Thinking of you…

    Love you!


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