The Hardest Day of the Year

Three years.

That’s how long it’s been since my miscarriage story began. I’ve gotten stronger in those 1,096 days. My marriage is stronger and the love I have for my kids is even stronger.

That doesn’t mean that today is going to hurt any less. Quite the contrary I believe.

For the last week my mind has been living in this time 3 years ago when I said goodbye to my 3rd child. There are still many unanswered questions for me. Would we have had another rambunctious boy? Or maybe another sweet, drama inducing girl. 🙂

Thankfully, I have moved passed blaming myself for what happened. There was so much going on at that time that I thought for sure that it was a punishment for my behavior. My reconfirmed belief through it all knows that that is not the way my God operates. My God doesn’t punish, my God loves and is there to pick up the pieces when we shatter.

And pick them up He has. This last year has been amazing for us. I started a new business and although it’s not making millions of dollars, I’m doing something I love and am passionate about. My younger kids have grown so much and have so many new accomplishments under their belts. My older girls, although I didn’t give birth to them, I couldn’t be more proud of the women they are becoming. My middle daughter is thriving as she lives in California, she’s spread her wings and is embracing a new life away from us. (She’ll be here tomorrow for a vist and I can’t wait.) Probably the biggest change though is in my oldest daughter, who became a mother in June.

my grandbabyThat’s right, *gulp*, I’m a grandmother.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard when I first learned she was pregnant. It was also hard when she gave birth. And for about 2.1 seconds it was even hard that first time I held my grand-daughter. I think it will always be difficult for me to hold a new baby and not think about my own. But with my grand-daughter, I look at her and I see all of the wonderful things she is going to bring to my daughters life.

Somehow I’m finding comfort in the fact that although I was unable to have a happy ending, I’ll get to see my daughter have hers.

So yes, today is the hardest day of the year for me, it will always be.

I will make it through though, it will be with tears shed and an aching in my chest that dulls with the passing days, but I will make it through.

How could I not?

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you on this day.
    Maggie C´s last blog post ..What in God’s Name by Simon Rich (Giveaway ends 8/24, open to US/Canada)

  2. sending you many hugs and much love.

    Hillary
    hchybinski´s last blog post ..Eye-High Kicks with the Rockettes at BlogHer12

  3. I am so sorry for your pain, Tina.

  4. RobMonroe says:

    So sorry for your pain – I know that I could not imagine it. Nobody can but you. Prayers for continued healing in your heart. Prayers of thanks for the newest addition to your extended family – how beautiful.

    • Thank you Rob. I will continue to share my journey because I never want another woman or couple to feel like they are going through this alone. You have always been a wonderful support, much love to you and yours.

  5. Lauralee Hensley says:

    God is good, he is always there to lean on, even on our hardest days, with this being one of them for you. I am so thankful you have God in your life. I pray peace settles your heart and mind before you have a restful sleep tonight.

    • Thank you so much Lauralee.. I am immensely thankful that I had God in my corner throughout all of this. It was during this part of my life that I have truly felt His presence and know healing that can only be found in Him. 🙂

  6. I have a hardest day, too. It’s in June, and, unfortunately, aligned with our end of the year preschool activities that are full of joy. So it’s always a bittersweet time. Gets easier each year as we count our many blessings, but there will always be a little piece of me wondering “what if”?

    Many hugs, Tina.
    julie´s last blog post ..What bloggers really wore at Blogher

  7. I’m sorry for your real loss. I do that questioning too when the memories come flooding back. Sending you belated prayers for your healing and grateful ones for the new baby in your life.
    ConnieFoggles´s last blog post ..Deciding to Homeschool Your Tween

  8. jennifer W says:

    Hi Tuna, just getting caught up in your amazing running and his heart breaking loss. I am so sorry. And I am in awe at your new title as grandmama! Some 2012 for he Kelleys. Thanks for doing his blog for you and the rest of us mama. Jenn

  9. jennifer W says:

    Hi Tina, just getting caught up in your amazing running and his heart breaking loss. I am so sorry. And I am in awe at your new title as grandmama! Some 2012 for he Kelleys. Thanks for doing his blog for you and the rest of us mama. Jenn

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