That’s how long it’s been since my miscarriage story began. I’ve gotten stronger in those 1,096 days. My marriage is stronger and the love I have for my kids is even stronger.
That doesn’t mean that today is going to hurt any less. Quite the contrary I believe.
For the last week my mind has been living in this time 3 years ago when I said goodbye to my 3rd child. There are still many unanswered questions for me. Would we have had another rambunctious boy? Or maybe another sweet, drama inducing girl. 🙂
Thankfully, I have moved passed blaming myself for what happened. There was so much going on at that time that I thought for sure that it was a punishment for my behavior. My reconfirmed belief through it all knows that that is not the way my God operates. My God doesn’t punish, my God loves and is there to pick up the pieces when we shatter.
And pick them up He has. This last year has been amazing for us. I started a new business and although it’s not making millions of dollars, I’m doing something I love and am passionate about. My younger kids have grown so much and have so many new accomplishments under their belts. My older girls, although I didn’t give birth to them, I couldn’t be more proud of the women they are becoming. My middle daughter is thriving as she lives in California, she’s spread her wings and is embracing a new life away from us. (She’ll be here tomorrow for a vist and I can’t wait.) Probably the biggest change though is in my oldest daughter, who became a mother in June.
That’s right, *gulp*, I’m a grandmother.
I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard when I first learned she was pregnant. It was also hard when she gave birth. And for about 2.1 seconds it was even hard that first time I held my grand-daughter. I think it will always be difficult for me to hold a new baby and not think about my own. But with my grand-daughter, I look at her and I see all of the wonderful things she is going to bring to my daughters life.
Somehow I’m finding comfort in the fact that although I was unable to have a happy ending, I’ll get to see my daughter have hers.
So yes, today is the hardest day of the year for me, it will always be.
I will make it through though, it will be with tears shed and an aching in my chest that dulls with the passing days, but I will make it through.
How could I not?