A week of processing – 2 years

11, August 2011 by · 5 Comments

This week I have been processing.

I’m processing my whirlwind weekend at BlogHer, which I will write more about later this week, and I’ve been processing the fact that it’s been 2 years since my miscarriage.

Strangely it seems like it’s been a lot longer than that.

Maybe it’s because I’ve come so far since those feelings of dispair, or maybe it’s because I try so hard not to let the pain that still lives inside consume me. Whatever the case may be, I am in a much better place now.

Several months ago my husband and I decided that we weren’t going to have any more children. This is still a hard decision for me, not because I know I want to have more children but more because of the “what could have been” factor.

I have a very close friend who lost her first child in utero. I admit that I never understood her view that with each child she has had since, it was her opportunity to perhaps get her first child back. That is, I never understood that thinking until now.

When you lose a child that is a part of you no matter how briefly, your heart longs to fill the void that is left. Rationally thinking, no it will never be filled but it doesn’t change your hearts desire to do so. Still, I know that it is the best decision for us and when my children ask when they are going to have a younger brother or sister I can tell them honestly that right now they need all my love.
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Feeling for another..

16, February 2011 by · Leave a Comment

I’ve been very open about my battle with grief and depression since my miscarriage in August of 2009.

I’d be lying if I said when I read a story of another mother experiencing the same it doesn’t feel like a Mack truck hitting my chest.

Today was one of those days.

I read THIS post by Jenn Crozier on Today’s Mama and her experience so mirrored my own that I felt led to ask all of you that offered so much wonderful support for me to do the same for her. It was the support that I received from you, my readers, that has helped me battle the depression that attempts to overtake me on a regular basis.

So, if you feel led please go leave some words of encouragement. And remember, don’t use any of the phrases from my “What not to say” post. :)

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Right..the most wonderful time of the year.

4, December 2010 by · 4 Comments

I dread December.

Not because it often mean endless shopping. Not because it’s another time to get together with family and with it will come family drama. Not because I dislike the cold or the weather.

Although, I tell people those are the reasons.

It’s because this is the time of year when an impasse is met. It’s when my heart and mind finally come together and say, “Look. We can’t put on a happy face anymore. We need a break to be able to process, learn and heal.” It’s the time of year that I realize that I am tired. Exhausted in fact.

And of course it’s the time of year when I need that facade more than any other time.

When all should be rosy, cheerful, and happy, I would gladly hide in my room watching sappy Lifetime movies.

Instead I have to somehow dig extremely deep and find any ounce of will power I have to show my kids that this is in fact the most happiest time of the year. I have to scrape together the energy to shop for presents when I find no joy in it, plaster that smile on my face that doesn’t quite reach my eyes, and bake cookies, do crafts, pretend to have fun.

So when and if you see me sans children and I look exhausted you really don’t have to tell me. I know I am. But also know that when you ask me if everything is “ok” I’m going to answer yes. We both know it’s not the truth but I’m hoping if I say it out loud enough it will come true.

Above all else, bear with me. I’m doing the best I can.

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One year later..

4, August 2010 by · 11 Comments

It’s hard to even begin this post.

I’ve been sitting here in front of the computer for a couple hours now trying to work through my emotions and come up with the right words. I almost threw in the towel and decided not to write this post but then I remembered that the whole reason for chronicling my experience was to possible help someone else going through the same thing.

If you’ve been with me for a while you know that 1 year ago today, we lost our 3rd child in utero. It’s actually hard to believe that it’s been that long. It’s hard to believe that out of the blue I can still get hit with a wave of sadness that feels so great I can’t breathe.

It’s been an uphill struggle.

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