One year later..

4, August 2010 By 11 Comments

It’s hard to even begin this post.

I’ve been sitting here in front of the computer for a couple hours now trying to work through my emotions and come up with the right words. I almost threw in the towel and decided not to write this post but then I remembered that the whole reason for chronicling my experience was to possible help someone else going through the same thing.

If you’ve been with me for a while you know that 1 year ago today, we lost our 3rd child in utero. It’s actually hard to believe that it’s been that long. It’s hard to believe that out of the blue I can still get hit with a wave of sadness that feels so great I can’t breathe.

It’s been an uphill struggle.

Filed Under: Being a Woman

Numb

14, May 2010 By 8 Comments

Tonight I found out that a friend is pregnant.

I’m numb.

I can’t find that place inside of me that is happy for them. I can’t find that place that let’s me go up and say, “congratulations.” I can’t find that place that let’s me care.

I’m numb.

Last week my husband told me he was done having kids. He couldn’t bear the thought of almost losing me again and the fact that there is just as likely chance that it won’t happen again isn’t enough for him.

I’m numb.

I honestly had not reached a place yet to be able to decide whether or not I wanted to have any more children. When I sit down and think about it my mind doesn’t gravitate toward either side. I’m stuck in the middle.

When I sit and look at my kids, I thank God so very much that I am still here to watch them grow up. That they ARE alive and healthy. That with each day I have the opportunity to teach them something. Each day I can show them how much I love them even when they think I’m being mean and unfair. That I can experience their firsts right along with them from the first steps to the first loves and everything in between. That I get to love them EVERY DAY.

And then I start to think about not ever feeling that moment of excitement twinged with uncertainty when the pregnancy shows positive. Not ever experiencing the genuine awe that comes when you hear your baby’s heart beat for the first time. Not ever being able to watch in wonder as that little bean grows each time an ultrasound picture is taken. Not ever experiencing that sensation of a baby kicking and moving within. And never feeling that wash of emotions as you see your child take his/her first breath.

But when it comes to the end of my thinking and wondering what it is I want, I’m numb.

Perhaps, it’s easier be filled with the numbness than it is to be completely consumed by the ache and the hurt that typically comes along with thinking of August 4th and 7th, 2009. What ever the reason, being numb seems to be the only constant emotion that I experience, so for now I will grab hold of that and I will look forward to the day when God turns that numb person into a healed one.

Filed Under: Being a Woman

What Could Have Been

8, March 2010 By 5 Comments

As women I think we are all guilty of thinking of what could might have been.

What might have been if I would have buckled down and completed college.

What might have been if I would have married my high school sweetheart.

What might have been if I hadn’t been in that particular place and met my husband…

What might have been if this week I had a new baby in my arms.

If you have been following my blog for a while you know that last year my husband and I lost our 3rd child at 11 weeks in utero. It’s been a long and difficult road. The pain has moved into a dull ache now and most often I can ignore it. I can put it to the back of my brain and go about my normal life. The funny thing though, it’s always there. And it’s always waiting.

miscarriage sadnessFebruary 27th was D-Day. The day that was listed on that first little picture of my bean, the day that my bean would be 40 weeks and ready enter the world.

We all know now that that didn’t happen. My little bean never reached his/her birth day.

I actually survived the day quite well. I wouldn’t allow myself to face it. I kept my mind focused on other things, like getting back to work after being off for 2 months due to wrist surgery. I focused on making the whole week a celebration of my daughters birthday which was on the 24th.

But it was waiting.

And it has hit.

All those emotions, that at first I was using medication to quell, have showed themselves once again. Strangely, they feel stronger than before. I compare them to cooking with a jalapeno. As the pepper simmers the heat of it grows in intensity and right now my heart is on fire.

I’ve realized that I have reverted back to the “fake” Tina. The one that puts on a smile and laughs at appropriate times all the while counting down the minutes until I can slip away and again wallow in my self-pity.  The Tina that keeps her husband at arms length because the feeling of betrayal that the loss didn’t hurt him as badly is always at the corner of my mind.

I know this is yet another speed bump in my healing process. One of those trials that I need to stand up to and believe that God will either deliver from, through or perhaps into if that is his will. I strongly believe that God is delivering me through this trial. I’m experiencing the pain but I know He is hurting with me.

I just wish this could have been an instance of Him delivering me from the fire.

Filed Under: Being a Woman
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