My first born.

He was sought after for a very long time. You see it took my husband and I almost 4 agonizing years before we were blessed with the sweet face you see.

I vividly remember my pregnancy.

I remember feeling my baby grow and move in my ever growing belly and dreaming of how wonderful it would be.

I dreamt that my son would be perfect. I would dress him in the most adorable outfits. He would never sit in a dirty diaper. And as he grew up he would have impeccable manners and personal hygiene.

Of course when my son was born all those pipe dreams were flushed down the toilet!

My son was a vomitter,  yes I just made up that word. He would pee, eat, vomit, then poop. Because of that it didn’t matter if I was able to sneak in a shower at any point of the day because as soon as I would, he would become a breast milk geyser. All of my clothes were stained and had an underlying sweet, sour smell. It came to the point where I was immune to the smell and I basically quit caring. I figured everyone would know that I was a mom and that would explain away the smell. Plus, I could look forward to the time when I would smell nice again and be able to do my hair and perhaps shave my legs!

After what seemed like YEARS, he finally grew out of that phase in just enough time to be introduced to bodily functions by his daddy.

Now, I don’t care who you are. When your child breaks wind and giggles for the first time you won’t be able to stop yourself from laughing along with him. And those giggles don’t even compare to the belly laughs that will ensue when your sweet little boy hears daddy imitate a foghorn.

You may even feel the need to expel some “air” yourself just to get the same reaction. I warn you..

DON’T DO IT!

You see, I have been down this path and it’s a slippery slope that you just can’t dig your way out of. Because now, I find myself dusting crops while pretending to be asleep just because it makes my kids think that I am Hi-freaking-larious.

Oh and it doesn’t stop there either. The louder I burp the bigger my own grin is because my kids collapse in fits of laughter.

So all you expectant moms out there, those that are going to have a boy for the first time. Consider yourself warned. Having a boy WILL make you gross so brush up on your vocabulary now..

*toot*air bagel*crack a rat*bum burp*beep your horn*airbrushing your shorts*backfire*burnin’ rubber*fizzle*drop a bomb*air biscuit*tail wind*step on a duck*singe the carpet*insane in the methane*bun shaker* and my personal favorite *pop a fluffy*

If you need more just let me know.. I’ve got a ton