Do you ever notice that when you buy a new car there seems to be a million of them on the road when before, you noticed none?
I’m sorta feeling like that right now.
See almost 2 months ago I went through this. Since that time I’ve done a very good job of faking like I’m getting better when in actuality I’m really not handling it well.
I cry at odd times, even though I’m able to stave it off until I’m where no one else can see me.
I don’t sleep at night which has become not only problematic for me, but also for my husband who frequently wakes up to check on me.
When I am able to sleep it’s only until the nightmares wake me up again.
To top it all off, every where I look I see people with the car I couldn’t keep…It seems like every one I know is pregnant.
Last week a friend told me she and her husband were expecting their 3rd child. I instantly put on my happy face, told her congratulations and then tried desperately to make a quick exit. I cried for 2 days.
It seems like instead of going through the stages of grief I am bouncing back and forth between anger and depression. Currently, the anger has taken hold.
I’m angry that all these women are able to have normal pregnancies when I can’t even have a normal miscarriage. I’m angry that MY baby had to be the one who doesn’t get to enter the world. And I’m angry because I can’t seem to make myself better.
Most of all I’m angry because I didn’t want another baby. When I found out I was pregnant I was irked. I have 2 great kids. Kids that are now both at a point that they don’t need me constantly. Kids that aren’t in diapers. But once I saw the first ultrasound all that went by the wayside. My heart bloomed, and I’m pissed that it is now left in withered tatters.
So now I want to join the cast of Grey’s Anatomy because last week they found acceptance and at this point I don’t know if I ever will.