Is this Grey’s Anatomy or real life??

Do you ever notice that when you buy a new car there seems to be a million of them on the road when before, you noticed none?

I’m sorta feeling like that right now.

See almost 2 months ago I went through this. Since that time I’ve done a very good job of faking like I’m getting better when in actuality I’m really not handling it well.

photo credit: dee_gee via flickr

photo credit: dee_gee via flickr

I cry at odd times, even though I’m able to stave it off until I’m where no one else can see me.

I don’t sleep at night which has become not only problematic for me, but also for my husband who frequently wakes up to check on me.

When I am able to sleep it’s only until the nightmares wake me up again.

To top it all off, every where I look I see people with the car I couldn’t keep…It seems like every one I know is pregnant.

Last week a friend told me she and her husband were expecting their 3rd child. I instantly put on my happy face, told her congratulations and then tried desperately to make a quick exit. I cried for 2 days.

It seems like instead of going through the stages of grief I am bouncing back and forth between anger and depression. Currently, the anger has taken hold.

I’m angry that all these women are able to have normal pregnancies when I can’t even have a normal miscarriage. I’m angry that MY baby had to be the one who doesn’t get to enter the world. And I’m angry because I can’t seem to make myself better.

Most of all I’m angry because I didn’t want another baby. When I found out I was pregnant I was irked. I have 2 great kids. Kids that are now both at a point that they don’t need me constantly. Kids that aren’t in diapers. But once I saw the first ultrasound all that went by the wayside. My heart bloomed, and I’m pissed that it is now left in withered tatters.

So now I want to join the cast of Grey’s Anatomy because last week they found acceptance and at this point I don’t know if I ever will.

Comments

  1. It took me almost 6 months to stop crying every day after my miscarriage. It’s alright to grieve, let yourself, and take as much time as you need. I still think about what the baby would have been like. I’ve found acceptance finally, but I’ll never forget, cause no matter how little, that was my baby. Hang in there, it’ll get easier.

    Amanda
    caffeinated_mom

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